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Today marks the third anniversary since my mom’s death from glioblastoma, brain cancer.
In these three years, I have learned to navigate life around her memories rather than with her actively involved. But today, grief came for a visit. I didn’t argue with her, didn’t plead with her to stay away Instead, I slumped down on my bathroom sink and let her linger. I wept tears of sadness, pain, and loneliness as she quietly stood beside me. She said not a word but gently laid her hand on my back as I wept. She reminded me that it’s better not to grieve alone and so gave me a break from my tears to go into the other room and find Cameron. He was busy and I didn’t want to interrupt, but Grief reminded me that I needed him and that it was ok to ask for help. She reminded me also that he can’t read my mind and so I needed to speak. I gently asked him if he could finish what he’s doing after I left for work. He said he could and looked at me. I have learned that by expressing pain as anger, it only pushes people away and I desperately needed him to draw close, so I said quietly, “I need a hug today” As he hugged me and I began to weep again, I managed to say, “My mom died three years ago today” and then allowed myself time to express the agony I was feeling over the loss of my mother. He held me as I sobbed, tears flowing like a river down my face and onto his neck. Grief is lingering with me as I go about my workday, but she isn’t being pushy about it. She was consoled this morning when I allowed her to come and sit with me and I with her. Together we mourned anew the loss of my mom. By being open and asking Cameron to hold me in that moment, Grief backed away a little, took her hand off me and is allowing me to do my work. I know she will come calling again. And I will allow her to sit with me for a while until we quietly go our separate ways. There is no straight path to healing, and I am reminded of the quote (although I don’t know who said it first) “Grieving is the price we pay for having loved someone”. And I loved my mom. Still do. Always will. So, I know that Grief will stop by again sometime for a visit. |
Linda ToddLinda blends warmth, wisdom and humour into every presentation. Enjoy the ride! Categories
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